By GORDON GLANTZ
GORDONVILLE — The Brady Bunch or The Partridge Family?
Sounds innocuous enough, but in the alternate universe of nonsense that is Facebook, it sparked an argument that simulated how World War III might unfold.
And this one was not the work of Russian bots.
It was just another sign of the rapid decline of Western Civilization.
Do I get involved?
Guilty as charged.
For starters, blatant grammar errors – “your” instead of “you’re,” or “there” instead of “their” – will turn me rabid on someone already taking the opposing opinion (The Partridge Family, in this case).
Yeah, I take the bait faster than a trout in a pre-stocked lake on the first day of fishing season.
If faced with some of the following, you would, too:
Star Trek or Star Wars?
How do I say this nicely, without coming right out and saying it? If I’m sharing the same oxygen as anyone who prefers Star Wars, I need Scotty to beam me up ASAP. There is no intelligent life down here. And, if you don’t get that reference, there is little hope. Go stick your lightsaber in a dark place.
Lou’s or Eve’s?
This is the ongoing debate for the best Zep in Norristown, the “home” to the sandwich that can actually be found in many other locales, but under other names.
With all due respect to Lou’s, which I admit to having not graced in years – and, when I did, I got that look from the regulars that Joe Pesci and Marisa Tomei got from the locals in “My Cousin Vinny” – I have to go with Eve’s here.
One more plus that Eve’s has going for it is that it is one of the few suburban joints that has an edible cheese steak.
Elmwood Park Zoo or Philadelphia Zoo?
Elmwood Park by a mile.
Main reason? The miles.
There is also another reason. I have never heard a traffic report where it wasn’t nearly impossible to get to the Philadelphia Zoo. I don’t care if they have Bigfoot or Loch Ness Monster in captivity, it’s just not worth it.
Schuylkill Expressway or Route 422?
Neither, as I avoid both like the plague (see above).
Kelly Drive, or weave through the city.
Limerick outlets or a baseball game in Reading?
Like I said, never ever.
McDonald’s or Wendy’s?
I used to keep McDonald’s in this conversation because of its semi-edible breakfasts, but there seems to be a conspiracy afoot to screw up every drive-thru order.
I’m working on 11 times in a row, and I’m not looking to make it 12.
Once we get past breakfast time, forget about it.
The only place with an edible burger is Wendy’s.
As for other fast food joints, Burger King does not float my bloat. We have to watch some of the others around because they cook their fries in peanut oil, and Sofia is allergic to nuts.
I am going through a bit of a Taco Bell resurgence, but I know I’m setting myself up for a rude awakening.
Chic-Fil-A? Even if the food floated my boat, which it doesn’t, the franchise joins Mel Gibson on boycott list.
The reasons? Look it up. I’m not alone.
Dogs or Cats?
We have a dog (Rex), three cats (Hank, Licorice and Hershey) and a bunny with floppy ears (Buttons). If it has four legs and a tail, they are welcome here.
That said, while cats are cool to have around a house, dogs make a house a home.
Walking or Running?
Because of Rex, I get my walking in that way, and it is fine with me.
Why run when you can walk? Why stand when you can sit down, and why sit down when you can recline?
Game of Thrones or The Sopranos?
Well, let’s put it this way, The Sopranos remains my favorite show of all-time. I still watch it on a continual loop, and it is so nuanced that I still pick up on different twists.
As a show, it set the bar for all to follow – from cable networks to Netflix and other formats – and that was not by accident.
I did watch the first season of Game of Thrones when it originally aired and found it compelling, considering the whole fantasy genre is not my plate of pasta with homemade meatballs.
When Ned Stark was beheaded, it had impact. The only reason I didn’t keep up with the show was because the subsequent season rolled around with both the Flyers and Sixers making 2012 playoff runs and, well, a guy has to have priorities.
With the better half ceding to water-cooler peer pressure at work, we endeavored to go back to the beginning and get caught up, via the binge.
She is still binging, and is somewhere into Season 4 or 5.
I barely made it into a few episodes of Season 3, and this was after finding Season 1 just as compelling as the first time around.
Amazing how the show gained in popularity the sillier, and more violent, it became – almost to the point of becoming a high-budget parody of Season 1.
Actually, it’s not amazing at all. It’s reflective of the sadistic culture in which we live, where we are numb to mad kings and tragic violence.
Give me the bell bottoms and min-skirts of The Brady Bunch any day of the week.
This column originally appeared in The Times Herald on May 26, 2019.