By GORDON GLANTZ
GORDONVILLE – There are several books I could sit down and write tomorrow: “Memoirs of a Street Hockey Legend,” “The World’s Greatest Air Guitarist” and “I Was Once a Heartthrob (In Fifth Grade).”
Another would be “Adventures in Fast Food.”
Yeah, I could fill a great portion of it up just with what I ordered going through the drive-thru windows and what I actually found in my bag, and my cup, when I got home.
Just the other day, some sort of road block because of a fire or car accident sent me so close to an unnamed place that I could smell the burritos.
On the ride home, I went for the cup holder in the center console and found it practically empty. There was lemonade, but not in the cup. A hole in the bottom of it had the lemonade bursting through the levees of the center console like it was Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans.
While I deployed hand towels as my National Guard, soaking up the damage, I immediately called the night crew and demanded to speak to the manager. He told me what they all do (Page 1 of their playbook). He said come back and he’ll make it up to me (albeit up to $10).
I went back two days later – around lunch time – and had to wait an inordinate amount of time just to get my free heartburn on.
And that was a good outcome, relatively speaking.
There have been numerous times where Manager X tells me to come back at a future time to have it “made it up to me,” and I return to find there is no Manager X anymore. His/her replacement, Manager Y, will reluctantly instruct Assistant Manager Z to take care of it.
It is what it is.
And it isn’t much.
The managers come and go, but the fast food joints remain.
Kind of like … leaders of terrorist groups.
They get hunted and killed – and the mainstream media swoons – and the threat is no less than it was the day before.
Sometimes, it’s worse.
Take, for example, this mockery of a sham that we woke up to a week ago today.
I checked my phone to see if Sofia’s softball tournament was called due to rain.
As suspected, it was.
I also caught a pre-dawn glimpse of the headlines and saw that your president (not mine), saying he would have a “big announcement” at 9 a.m.
Knowing a resignation — in the midst of an ongoing mountain of scandal — would be too much to hope for, I went back to bed only imaging who was going to be thrown under the bus after sunrise.
The “big announcement” came straight from an old bag of tricks made popular by an equally ineffective Republican president, George W. Bush.
The so-called big announcement was that some ISIS leader – after the ISIS hornet’s nest has poked back to life by a recent spate of flawed foreign policy in the first place – was killed overnight.
I’m not even going to bother to Google the dude’s name for a cut and paste here.
He’s ISIS leader X, only to be replaced by ISIS leader Y.
They come and go, often killed by our special operations forces — or often their own from the inside (like a coup from Assistant Manager Z).
And the terrorism – like the fast-food heartburn – remains.
I vowed not to bring myself to watch the 9 a.m. “I’m The Greatest” speech that pales in comparison to those of Ali.
The dreaded mainstream media already figured it out (we all knew an overnight mass shooting at Texas A&M, or California wildfires, would not spur him to the podium at 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning).
But I did check it around 9:01 last Sunday and stopped watching by 9:02.
I’d seen enough gloating.
Ironically, when my president (not yours), Barack Obama, pulled the trigger on an operation to kill Osama bin Laden, he was accused for “doing a touchdown dance.”
Knowing the lack of attention span for your president (not mine), I sounded an all-clear at 10 a.m. and went back to the news networks for analysis.
Instead, I saw your vice president (not mine), among others, being interviewed.
“Both America, and the world, are safer today” became the mantra.
No, America and the world are not safer today.
Someone else, whose name we can’t pronounce – and whose name we need not even commit to memory – will rise up in his place, just like managers in fast food joints, and they are only going to be more dangerous.
This column appeared in The Times Herald on Nov. 3, 2019